September 9, 2014
The change between now and starting this coaching program has been amazing – sounds clichéd, I know – but it really feels like I am looking back at a different person when I try to think of how things were.
When we first spoke I felt like I was going mad, trapped in a weird life that somehow wasn’t mine. I was getting sick and I was miserable and I didn’t know how to fix it which was really scary because I was so used to being ‘proficient’, to being in control.
It’s really hard to admit that you are miserable when everything on paper looks good.
The boxes were ticked but there was no joy, no energy, no peace…..just empty sorrow. I suspected I might be in trouble when I was trying to write a ‘positive headline for my life’ as part of a self-help exercise and couldn’t get past: ‘I am a total arse who has got through her life by the seat of her pants and is lucky to have got this far without a major disaster.’ This was my truth, my true belief.
I remember you saying that as a result of our coaching I would be able to stand in any situation with genuine confidence.
I was soooooo sceptical, I had never felt this at any point in my life, I had only been very successful at faking it. How could you make the difference?
I couldn’t imagine being able to climb that enormous mountain of change, being able to make myself thin enough, groomed enough, informed enough, organised enough, charismatic enough etc.. etc.. to be that invincible person of unshakable self belief. But it was that idea, the almost mythical idea of unshakable self belief that persuaded me to try.
I decided that even if I changed one thing it had to be better than nothing…
Now when I think of how I feel today, this warm spring day only five months after we started, I can’t quite believe it. I laugh out loud. I feel powerful, beautiful, amazing. I am enough and not enough and either way it’s OK. I am free! I know what I want and I can ask for it without apology or excuses (most of the time ;0) – still practicing after all).
I am really coming to know myself and in doing so I am coming to know my desires. My desires for myself, those around me and for my life. What a bloody relief!! I have stopped living the life I thought I should live and have started to live the life I want.
You said I should celebrate, celebrate the progress, and congratulate myself, and give myself a big goddess hug.
So today there have been air punches, air punches and whoops for slipping free from the steel grip of my mother in law’s manipulative behaviour. Air punches for getting rid of self destructive beliefs. Air punches for being able to write and receive easy quick emails without endless self analysis and criticism. Air punches for rainbow fingerless gloves and high volume Madonna. (!!) Air punches for not beating myself up any more because I have not found a local social circle…yet (perhaps due to a penchant for rainbow fingerless gloves and Madonna);massive air punches for modern technology that allows me to stay in touch with my true, wonderful and inspiring friends.
Air punches for believing that I am just as worthy as the next person, that I am enough, and that good things are for me too.
Bring out the vuvuzelas for this one: A veritable fanfare for being able to look in the mirror without make up or clothes on and see beauty.
And finally I’ll be setting up a firework display in the garden later to celebrate the fact that I finally hold myself in enough regard to look after myself with the same care and compassion that I previously reserved for ‘loved ones’.
It seems that these days I too am loved, unconditionally, by me.
What a truly giant leap.
And the best part is we’re not finished yet – brilliant – bring it on!