April 5, 2012
We all struggle from time to time or for a long stretch of time in which we often feel stuck. Stuckety Stuck. Stuck in a money rut or stuck in a relationship rut. Stuck in a job you hate or just stuck full stop.
You might be struggling right now as you read these words. I used to struggle with making money; it used to wear me down so much – would I make rent each this week? I thought about this all-the-time, especially at night when my daughter was in bed.
I had deep shame around my lack of money. I also used to struggle with the loneliness as a single mum, which only further intensified the extreme anxiety that would shoot into my belly each time I looked at my bank account. Alone and poor. Alone and poor.
Where was the love of my life? Really, where was he? So I felt shame about not being in that relationship too, I felt sorry for my daughter. I had no car, no mobile phone and at one stage seriously thought; what’s the point of this all? It’s just all too hard.
Can I tell you something? Everyone has something to “get over.” Everyone. The people in your life may not look as if they do, but trust me they do. Maybe for you it’s money, maybe for you it’s to do with men, maybe for you it’s to do with your work, your business or finally committing to your life’s purpose?
Maybe you are struggling with an addiction to shopping, alcohol, drugs, working long hours or doubting yourself so seriously you never move? Not even an inch towards your dreams…Each one of us has a block to get over. What is it for you?
And do you feel ashamed about it?
99.9999% of the women that come to me feel ashamed about their deepest problems, just like I did.
You might feel that if only you could lose weight, he’d want to have sex with you again. There is your body shame.
You might feel that if only you could stop hurting yourself with that habit, life would be better. And you are right of course…and then there is the shame attached to that, that you are not there yet. Still struggling.
You might feel that it’s better to hide your money problems from the outside world. There is your money shame.
You might be embarrassed at how your husband treats you in front of guests. There is your shame about him.
Do you see how easily we shame ourselves for struggling with something that really hurts us? For not being enough in this area?
So we hide it, lest we get judged. But do you know who the biggest judger is of course?
So what to do?
Softly, softly, whatever you are struggling with, be it your relationship, money or just life in general – know this: There is no shame. Just your perceived shame. Everyone struggles sometimes. The difference is – are you going to be beat yourself up about it today? Are you going to go through it on your own without a hug or some real help? Softly, can you insert some real compassion in you, for you right now?
This will always lead to real change. It might mean you go find a money coach or a counsellor or a friend’s shoulder to lean on. If it’s me, I won’t judge you – I’ve been in your shoes or somewhere close I can guarantee you that. There is no shame in admitting you need help, everyone needs help sometimes.
Bring your shame up and out. Keeping it a secret makes it more powerful. Cry, get angry, feel the shame. Sit on your bed for 15 minutes and feel the shame of not getting it quite right. Your shame needs to be aired fully. You brave enough? When you allow your shame to come up, out and be finally felt, it will feel intense and just when you feel you can’t take much more of this feeling..it will dissipate. It just needs to be felt, that’s all. You will be left feeling more peaceful and you will have moved.
Be kind to yourself this week, and set a new tone for yourself in this area that is hurting you. You deserve it. Don’t let your shame get in the way of receiving exactly what you need.
Tell me how you plan to be kind to yourself this week? You so deserve it! Let me know in the comments below.